Why can't I find a f***ing job???

It has been a GRIM Summer for the class of 2009. If you're an unemployed graduate still looking for work, then you're probably worried about an even more hostile climate predicted for this winter; a season not traditionally associated with new beginnings. The forecast this month, featured in the Telegraph, the Mirror, the Independent, This is London and the Metro, could all be summed up in three very droning, very dismal, but also very English words: ‘Join The Queue’!

Official figures have revealed that the jobless rate among 16 to 24-year-olds has soared to almost 20%, with over 920,000 classed as unemployed, and the number surging towards the politically sensitive One Million mark.

Typically, as a British self-deprecating graduate, you’ll feel guilty for not having looked for a job (or an MA) during your hectic last year of study, when the more industrious squirrels were stashing away all their nuts. You might even be feeling left out in the cold, with nothing to hold onto but your (fast retracting) balls! But losing courage is an all too natural response when faced with the current economic climate and backlash of thousands of older, better-skilled and recently-fired workers to compete with for jobs:

Unemployment is at a 14-year high of 2.47 million after a 210,000 rise in the three months to July, official figures showed on 16th September 2009.

On top of that, as we all know, the class of 2008 are also out there hunting for jobs. Last year, as demonstrated by a leading independent market research company, High Fliers, www.highfliers.co.uk/download/GraduateMarket09.pdf, graduates expected an increase of 11.8% more vacancies, when these were in fact drastically cut to - 6.7%.

The Summer of 2008 hence marked the end of a four-year boom in graduate entry-level jobs. Thousands were unsuccessful in securing the kind of work they were promised when they began their degrees, as placements were scrapped left, right and centre. The double-edged sword goes deeper for the class of 2009 however, since they are the first to pay top-up fees. It would seem that university is increasingly becoming a mug’s game, except for the rare high-flyers ruthless enough to have gotten the few jobs in law, investment banking (though this sector has evidently seen the most severe entry-level cuts) or even at Aldi (a supermarket that pays the most competitive rate to graduates ⇒ 40K + a car!). Click here to see videos of their “crème de la crème” clones if you want to know whether you can cut their business mustard! http://www.graduates.aldirecruitment.co.uk/

For the rest of 16-24 year olds who do have a soul, the unemployment rate is rising at a record 19.7%.
This year, another 400, 000 students have come pouring out of their Bachelor’s degrees feeling even more Bewildered and Apathetic as the High Flyer reports at least another 17% more cuts by the UK’s leading graduate employers (consult page 8 of their pdf if you want to know what companies make up the Times top 100 graduate employers):

During the two recruitment rounds in 2008 and 2009, the UK’s leading employers have promoted over 40,000 graduate vacancies, of which almost 7,000 have been cut or left unfilled.

Apathy is hardly surprising at this stage therefore: it’s hard to stay optimistic when you are faced with one rejection after another, especially when one is applying to jobs that one frankly has no interest in whatsoever…

“- So what attracts you to head hunting?
“- Well, I suppose my interest was piqued again after seeing the film Apocalypto. That field filled with those heads on spikes was inspiring. It’s an angle of barbarity I’ve been fascinated with since I was eight years old.”

This is the type of answer you should avoid if you do get onto the next level: the interview. However, bewilderment - or feeling incapable of making heads or tales of what the hell it is you’re applying for - is just a sign of the times… jobs in this capitalist service-led country are ridiculous, let’s face it. Even those early-worm catchers you knew back at uni were facing the same infertile mud before the Summer began. Again, according to High Flyer’s research involving over 1,000 final year student job hunters from universities across the UK:

Half of finalists believe they’ll have to take any job that they’re offered, a fifth say they’ve been forced to apply to employers that they aren’t really interested in and many expect to begin work on a lower salary than they were hoping for.

Now what surprises me is why this Apathy does not more frequently turn into COLLECTIVE ANGER. In your job searching, you’ll no doubt have signed up with companies like “Milkround” to receive newsletters on graduate schemes. After a few unsuccessful applications, you'll be relieved to find your inbox free of this patronisingly Oedipal brand name. (The offers to come and drink from the corporate teet dry up eventually!) At this point you’ll no doubt start to look for a different cash cow, and lower your sights onto the less dazzling prospects of retail and catering jobs…but the application forms here are just as infuriating, since businesses are increasingly demanding.

Foyles bookstore for example now states their preference for “English literature graduates” as employees, who then have to prove themselves for 12 months before getting the grand salary of 15K as a ‘senior bookseller’. This farce becomes less amusing when one considers that your average student will owe 25K in debt, which according to various online student debt calculators have to be repaid at a rate of £7.50 a month when earning only £15K. Which means £90/year and 277 years on this planet to pay it all back! The government would scrap it by the age of 65 or in 25 years’ time if you are a top-up fee student, of course, but the point is: why can't a 16 year old fresh out of school get that job and learn about books in the meantime by reading them? Why encourage and demand of young people that they go through university first?

I am not saying my mathematics are infallible...If I was good at maths I would be one of the only students with a job right now (accountancy has been the biggest provider of jobs for graduates in 2009, with 20.9% of total graduate jobs!). But there is a clear equation, obvious to everyone, in the way things are turning out for those not part of the elite: increased competition + indebted youth + marketing the 'brand value' = cheap, grateful and motivated labour pool. Again, exploitation is a rather perverse state of affairs. But sometimes you have to laugh. I mean who is going to gobble up the make-belief status that Subway are trying to package for their new recruits... “sandwich artists”!!! In all seriousness!!


We need some more cynical clerks out there. (Watch CLERKS for free online here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzFiYwwuU5w)


Type of Graduate Vacancies at leading UK Employers in 2009
Finance 62%
IT 61%
Human resources 41%
Engineering 37%
Marketing 33%
General management 31%
Sales 26%
Purchasing 25%
Accountancy 24%
Law 24%
Research & development 23%
Logistics 20%
Retailing 18%
Investment banking 18%
Consulting 17%
Media 13%
 
If you want to feel some ACTION and get together with fellow students, then keep the 28th of November free, for a MASS DEMONSTRATION in London.
http://www.youthfightforjobs.com/

Don't take yourself so seriously!! Love is but a train journey...

(This is contemporary French poetry, which I translated. I stayed as faithful as possible to the poem, but with some creative license of my own in order to keep a rhyming scheme going!)
ENJOY!

Les Voyages en train by Grand Corps Malade

Love stories remind me of train journeys.
When I see people traveling, I sometimes wish I could join in.
They stand on platforms and wait,
They panic about arriving late.

Trains often start moving when you least expect it,
As a romance can whisk you away, leaving witnesses astounded.

The witnesses are your friends left behind on the platform,
Who watch as your train leaves with a worried smile, somewhat forlorn.

You signal to say ‘see you later’ with your hand…
Some think you’re confused about your feet, the ground, and where the hell it is you stand.

Some think your head is in the clouds and you’re making a mistake,
While each gives an estimate of how long your journey will take.

Most think the train will veer off track after the first argument,
Since love stories can uproot a part of you from better judgement.

From the first day you have to choose your carriage with care,
Picking between corridor and window, the right place so your courage won’t flare.

For the first few miles, all you care about are her beautiful eyes,
You don’t think about the speed at which the scenery flies by behind the glass.
After all what is it you’re choosing, a love story of first or second class?

You feel alive, you’re feeling light, life is bliss…
so sweet you almost want to give the ticket inspector a kiss.

But the magic doesn’t last forever, and your story starts to flutter.
You tell yourself that it’s not you but her throwing it down the gutter.

The train’s incessant wailing gets on your nerves while each turning makes you sick,
You have to get up and walk, stretch your legs, get on with it.

Now the train is slowing down – it’s already the end of Cupid’s mission,
On top of that, you’re like a moron as your friends stayed at the other station.

Now you’re saying goodbye to the one you’ll be calling your ex.
In her diary, she’ll trace a white line across your name with typex.

But love stories still remind me of train journeys.
When I see people travelling, I sometimes wish I could join in.
They stand on platforms and wait,
They panic about arriving late.

For many, life consists in attempting to catch the train,
To discover what love is because solitude is a pain.

It’s important to get there at the right hour,
On time for this potential journey to euphoria.

Because it is easy to get on the train, but not to sit on the right carriage,
I have gotten on a couple that were filled with too much baggage.

Trains can be variable, some also unreliable,
For example Thameslink is not always possible.

For some, trains are often on strike or outside their transport means,
For them, a love story only takes place in daydreams.

There are also those who rush into the first train without paying any attention,
And of course they get off, disappointed, at the next station.

There are girls who get scared of getting attached because they’re too sensitive,
For them it’s too risky to hold on to the locomotive.

There are explorers who take one train after another,
As soon as one story is over, they’ll attack the next chapter.

My only real journey left me suffering for months, it was a chore.
We both agreed to break up, but she agreed more.

Now I hang about on platforms looking at trains as they leave,
Some doors open, but in a station I feel alone.

Apparently train journeys generally end badly,
If you feel that way just hold on, focus on the scenery.

The train will always have to stop, there will be a terminus.
But now you have been warned: next time, get the bus!